Ten Years Gone

 Then as it was, then again it will be
And though the course may change sometimes
Rivers always reach the sea
Blind stars of fortune, each have several rays
On the wings of maybe, down in birds of prey
Kind of makes me feel sometimes, didn't have to grow
But as the eagle leaves the nest, it's got so far to go
Changes fill my time, baby, that's alright with me
In the midst I think of you, and how it used to be...

...I'm never gonna leave you. I never gonna leave
Holdin' on, ten years gone
Ten years gone, holdin' on, ten years gone

This will post after midnight but today was 10 years since my grandmother Carmel "Noni Mel" left this world. To anyone who knew her, she inevitably touched their life in one way or another- with her big heart, her warm smile, her unforgettable laugh, and her unwavering need to feed everyone... "Are you hungry?" she'd always ask as soon as you walked in the door, and even if your reply was "No thank you, I actually just ate." she would insist with "OK, I'll make you a little something."

My family has lived in the same house since my mom was about 6, and when my parents got married, they moved upstairs and my Noni Mel and Poppy Bob lived downstairs. So, after my mom had me and had to go back to work, I always had my grandparents right downstairs. Both my grandparents were custom tailors and worked out of the house. Before I was in school and during my time off from school as a child, I spent my days with them in their little shop. I would sit next to my grandma on her sewing machine and she'd give me little scraps of fabric to stitch together. When I got just a little older, she got me a tiny little plastic sewing machine with a pink pedal. If my memory serves me, I think it had Strawberry Shortcake on it.

During the nice weather months she would sit out on the porch with me while I played in the yard. Some of my fondest memories of her are from being out in the yard with her, waiting for my parents to get home from work, and every spring when our cherry blossom tree bloomed, I would pick the little pink flowers for her and put them in her hair.

She had infinite patience with me. When I was first learning how to read, I would literally follow her around with Dr. Seuss's One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish and read it to her over, and over, and over again. She would let me beat her in any game you could think of from Shoots and Ladders and Candy Land to Go Fish and Rummy. She would help me with my homework and study with me for my spelling tests and help me make flash cards for my times tables. As I got older, I would always go to her whether I had a fight with a friend, gossip about a boy, or got in trouble with my parents. She had breakfast on the table for me every morning and dinner for all of us as soon as my parents got home every night, just as Roseanne was starting usually on the small TV on the counter.

In all my years on this earth, I will never forget the way her kitchen looked, smelled, felt... where we all sat at the round table, or the nicks and scratches that poor table had from all the years cooking and baking and preparing and kids and grandchildren; The wallpaper that had yellowed between the years of smoking and the years of cooking. There are just so many memories that revolve around that kitchen- from everyday habits to holiday traditions. The biggest holiday tradition in our house was always, and still is, Christmas Eve. Preparation would start weeks ahead of time with the array of cookies and naturally the struffoli. It's been hard to carry on this tradition without her but we do it in part for her.

I was only 14 when she passed and looking back I can't believe it was 10 years ago. Most of the time it feels like it was just yesterday, yet I miss her so much, it almost seems like another life. It all happened so suddenly, I think I've always felt like I never really got to say goodbye. To this day there are times when I walk in the house and have the urge to walk straight into her apartment, assuming she'd be sitting there at the kitchen table with something cooking on the stove. And as I sit here writing this, with tears streaming down my face, I can't help but wish I could see her face once more, give her a hug and tell her how much I appreciate everything she did for me.

After she passed, my mom and I both saw a medium who told us separately that whenever we see a red cardinal, it's her. In commemoration for this 10 year anniversary, my plan is to get a tribute tattoo for her of some cherry tree branches down my left side with a red cardinal flying across up near my heart. I want there to be some atmosphere in the background, like the wind in blowing through the branches and 6 flowers that have blown off the branches, one for each family member that has passed on.

Whatever happened to
the lives that we once knew?
Can we really live without each other?
Where did we lose the touch
that seemed to mean so much?
It always made me feel so...
Free as a bird,
like the next best thing to be.
Free as a bird.

My ideas on religion have never agreed with the mainstream and although it's hard to explain my viewpoints on those things because it's a complicated subject, I do feel that if you're a good person that should be enough for whatever it is that awaits you on the other side so I know that Noni Mel definitely is in the best place possible; and although I don't know if I believe in a heaven per say, I do believe that if nothing else, a person's soul is kept alive in the hearts of the people that love them.  So, I will continue to keep my grandmother alive in my heart because I think of her, love her, miss her and keep her in my heart every single day.

Noni Mel 

12/21/1927-04/19/2000

Words are flying out like
endless rain into a paper cup
They slither while they pass
They slip away across the universe
Pools of sorrow waves of joy
are drifting thorough my open mind
Possessing and caressing me

Jai guru deva om
Nothing's gonna change my world

Images of broken light which
dance before me like a million eyes
That call me on and on across the universe
Thoughts meander like a
restless wind inside a letter box
they tumble blindly as
they make their way across the universe

Jai guru deva om
Nothing's gonna change my world

Sounds of laughter shades of life
are ringing through my open ears
exciting and inviting me
Limitless undying love which
shines around me like a million suns
It calls me on and on across the universe

Jai guru deva om
Nothing's gonna change my world